puunk

Yer.

( So we are introduced to Hunter Stein (mentioned in the solicit, so I'm not spoiling anything xl), the mysterious man that appeared the previous issue. In this issue, we get to know the character and how he's connected to the Runaways - frankly, I loved him. Great characterization already put - I love his swagger. Right on the mark. Immonen's cliff-hanger at the end leads me to anticipate the issue even more. Seems like Chase has a lot of explaining to do. )
Yer.

By FeminineMystique.

The second episode of The Uncannily Astonishing X-Men continues from the previous one. Previously, several of the characters found themselves pregnant. I say 'characters' and not 'women' because Cyclops was also revealed to be pregnant - and Emma's the father! Talks to Machine Lad also reveals he has impregnated the Sentient Coffee Machine!

Setting: X-Men

All was silence in the X-HQ mainly because Dazzler had been spanked senseless and used her powers to absorb all ambient noise. Emma, lacking the patience to master American sign language, delivered a quick sleeper hold to Dazzler, restoring things to what could laughably be called “Normal”.
“My god…I can’t believe I’m going to be a father!” Emma said as Cyclops took a step back.
“Hold on now…I’m not sure I want to keep it”, he said.
There was a sudden silence as the characters paused to contemplate whether they were really about to do a skit involving abortion jokes. The answer to which of course was “Yes”. They weren’t proud of it but they knew that at this point there was really no going back.
“Like hell you are! There’s no sodding way you’re aborting my child!” Emma said as Scott took a stand. He would return it later.

“You can’t tell me what to do! It’s my body and my right as a woman to choose!” Scott shrieked, his eyes going wide behind his visor as his mania steadily increased.
“Hormones. I’m a doctor. I know these things”, Beast said, idly munching on some Felix cat food and wondering what he had to do to haz cheez burger.
“I AM NOT HORMONAL!” Scott yelled, before bursting into tears, laughing wildly and finally slinking to the floor and muttering the name “Jean” over and over again while cutting himself.
Emma often wondered why she stayed with Cyclops. Novelty value only went so far after all. Some days she wished Banshee hadn’t been needlessly killed off. Days like this she missed the merry time they’d had, whiling away the hours by beating the shit out of one another.
Her nostalgic memories of an Irish stereotype were interrupted by Karma barging in, followed by Magik and Colossus.
“Alright, that does it! Bad enough I get no screen time anymore: Now I’m pregnant!” Karma yelled before jabbing the accusing finger at Magik in the style beloved of Detective Conan.
“And SATAN’S the father!” she yelled.
“Yesss. Soon the dark lords child will spring from your mortal husk to usher in the end of days!” Magik declared, cackling away before drawing up a contract regarding ownership of souls to try and foist upon Nightcrawler.

“Comrade Sister. You used to be so sweet back in mother land, drinking borsch with babushkas and begging for roubles from Commissars. Why do you now act this way?” Colossus asked, pondering if there was some way to work an “In soviet Russia” gag into this episode.
“Foolish brother! I am perfectly normal. I am sweet and innocent. I enjoy kittens and puppies”, Magik said, making her eyes triple in size in anime fashion.
“I foolishly believe you!” Colossus said, ignoring the fact that Magik was sharpening a sacrificial dagger and staring at Pixie with the cold eyes of a killer.
Emma could feel her tenuous grip on reality slipping, given she was cursed to play “Straight man” to the gaggle of idiots surrounding her. A more torturous fate she couldn’t imagine, unless it perhaps involved her never again being able to go shopping. Still she decided to try and restore order.
“Alright: Cyclops! Roe-Bot Versus Wade-Zilla established that it is a mutants right to choose. So if you want to get rid of the baby…fine. Dazzler…oh right, she’s unconscious. When the daft cow wakes up, tell her the same. And Pixie…we need to track down Wolverine. He may be able to run from his past…but not CHILD WELFARE PAYMENTS”, Emma declared boldly.
“Road trip! Wheeeeee!” Pixie yelled, as she pictured herself riding a bike made of glitter down a candy cane road.

Karma couldn’t help but notice that amidst this problem solving session her demonic child has oddly been left out. She waited for a few moments before realizing that they really weren’t going to address the fact she had the child of Satan in her womb and decided to just come out and say it.
“You forgot about me AGAIN!” she yelled as Emma took a step back.
”No darling we…we were just um…thinking. No ones forgotten about you Magma”, Emma said in what was perhaps the most piss poor attempt at comforting someone in the history of everything ever.
“My NAME is Karma!”, Karma snapped angrily as Emma nodded.
“Of course it is. And we’ll be sure to deal with you having Santa’s baby”, Emma replied calmly.
“Satan. Magik has made a dark pact with Satan and I’m carrying the Anti-Christ!” Karma snapped, not yet realising that she was doomed to be ignored by all and sundry, just like in the comics.
“Lord Satan’s offspring will bring about the end of man! Let the bodies hit the floor!” Magik shrieked as sacrificial flames sprung up around her.
“HAHA! She is just playing comrades!” Colossus reassured them, as the hordes of hell dragged Warpath (Who had popped in for a cameo) to a gruesome fate below.
“Look Taco-Bell. We’ll deal with your sodding Santa Cruz baby when we get back. Till then you hover in the background and have Fraptions appear near you with bits of trivia”, Emma ordered.
Karma stared at her as if she had just proposed marriage to a seal pup, wondering how it was that she’d become the only sane person on the team. Deciding that petty revenge was the best course of action she immediately possessed Cyclops and began to force him to beat himself up.
“Why you hitting yourself? Huh? Why are you hitting yourself Cyke?!” Karma asked angrily as Beast watched this with a merry twinkle in his eye.
“Ah, I could watch this all day. But can’t. Because I must do SCIENCE. GOOD SCIENCE not BAD SCIENCE like Mr Sinister does”, Beast said, making a mental note to order more balls of yarn.
“Yeah! GOOD SCIENCE makes things like sparkles and rainbows and knives and kittens and knives!” Pixie said, clutching her soul dagger and making a mental note to wash Empath’s blood off of it.
Emma was a little worried at how they were going to get the smell of the pits of the damned out of the carpets but decided that right now helping Pixie collect child welfare was more important, especially as there was a good chance she’d get to beat Wolverine up.
“Alright everyone. Pack your bags, we’re going on a road trip!” Emma declared.
“Jean…oh Jean…” Cyclops muttered as he wept into an old Phoenix costume, while touching himself.
“And they’ll be no more of that. Bloody idiot”, Emma growled, wondering why the leader of mutantkind had to be such a moron.

Setting: With Miss Sinister

Miss Sinister, being a clone of Mr Sinister well renowned scientist, bio-chemist and freaky-deaky knew much. She knew how to clone mutants from a drop of blood. She knew how many licks it took to get to the centre of a tootsies pop. She even knew what someone would REALLY do for a Klondike bar.
But even with all that knowledge, she was learning something new tonight. Being fist fucked by a guy who wore gloves with fins hurt like hell.
Dr Light nodded with satisfaction as he buttoned himself up, making a mental note to invest in ball gags next time the DC writers forgot he was supposed to be in jail and had him show up to fight some super hero and talk about how much he liked rape.
“BTW: Have I mentioned how much I like rape?” Dr Light asked as he was contractually obliged to.
“I…kind of…guessed,"Miss Sinister moaned out, as she lay on the floor, wondering if she'd ever be able to sit down again
Then, just like Creationists claim occurred at the beginning of the world, it all happened at once. The red diamond on Miss Sinister’s forehead began to glow brightly, as did her eyes. The red light filled the room and Dr Light got the uncomfortable feeling he was about to have the most unpleasant experience possible to have in prison without physical intimacy being involved.
“Oh god…and I was working on the great American novel!” Dr Light yelled. Then promptly fell over stone dead.
Miss Sinister, while glad that she wasn’t going to get fist fucked anymore, had to wonder what in the hell had just happened, given that her powers were supposed to be switched off in the prison. Struggling to her feet she paced around the cell, before catching sight of her reflection.
Except it wasn’t hers at all but that of Mr Sinister, all around nutty nut bar whose all nuts and stuff.
“WTF!?!” Miss Sinister gasped, wondering if maybe she should have turned down those pills Dazzler had offered her.
“Yes, you’d do well to spout net lingo! My child…I have returned”, Mr Sinister said, his creepy as hell aura only spoiled by the fact he was wearing a gimp suit and nipple rings.
“Um…what are you wearing?” Miss Sinister asked as her predecessor shrugged.
“I’m trying to recapture my youthful BDSM glory. This was all the rage at the Hellfire Club parties. Anyway the point is this my daughter…I am inside your head, killing your dudes. By which I mean: I am part of you”, Mr Sinister explained (Well, it’s not much of an explanation but it’ll have to do. Kthx)
Miss Sinister was reeling from this revelation. She’d often gotten the feeling of being watched but she’d always assumed it was just Sebastian Shaw peeping in on her like the sexual creeper he was. This news was…much worse, really.
“I feel what you feel. Including all the rape. I could have really done without that”, Mr Sinister said, the memories of many, many nights in the prison where he’d wished he didn’t share a mental link with his cloned offspring.
“So…why are you appearing now?” Miss Sinister asked. It was a fair question given that, logically, if he’d just shown up at the start it would have saved her many nights of hot sweaty shame.
“I was….busy. But I wasn’t uploading your suffering onto Red Tube via telepathy. Honest. So there’s no need to think that”, Mr Sinister said, with all the conviction and sincerity of George Bush at a press conference.
Miss Sinister however was too happy about being spared another week of pain every time she tried to sit down so decided to unwisely ignore the fact Mr Sinister was clearly lying through his teeth.
“Now listen well. I will guide you out of this prison. And then you must hunt down the X Men who are seeking out Wolverine”, Mr Sinister commanded.
“Do I HAVE to? I want to go clubbing. Plus there’s a TON of unopened mail back as Sebastian’s bombed out shack. And I promised to water his plants and feed his bondage gimps”, Miss Sinister protested
“You must! And you must locate Gambit while you’re at it!” Mr Sinister ordered as Miss Sinister tilted her head.
“Why him? He’s not even part of the line up in Uncanny”, she asked, obliterating what little remained of the fourth wall.
“Because he’s pregnant. And…I’M the father!” Mr Sinister revealed!

Setting: Road Trip!

The narrator must confess at this point that, while being slightly spiritual, she does not believe in hell. But on the off chance there really is a giant oven for dead people it is hard to believe it’s any worse than the horror that is a road trip with Pixie on a sugar high.
“Can’t get enough of that SUGAR CRISP!” Pixie sang tunelessly as Emma briefly wondered if anyone would mind if she put her fist through Pixie’s head and buried the body in the dessert.
No jury in the land would convict her she was sure, but she also had the horrible feeling that Pixie was so full of sugar that, like the dreaded Nosferatu she wouldn’t die no matter what you did to her. Cereal had conveyed upon her the determined will of a sailor on shore leave banging on the door of a boarded up brothel.
“I know what your thinking. And using SCIENCE I have confirmed that cereal does indeed make people immortal. That’s why Tony the Tiger doesn’t age”, Beast explained, munching on a dead bird he had brought Scot and Emma as a present.
“God I wish I’d stuck with the bloody Hellfire Club”, Emma muttered under her breath.
Cyclops, though bruised and battered after Karma had made him literally beat himself up, was coherent enough to notice that, horrifyingly, they’d past the last truck stop. Which meant that it was now 3000 miles to Graceland…the circus where Wolverine was working. Or to be more accurate, 250.
“Do you like waffles? Yeah we like waffles! Do you like pancakes? Yeah we like pancakes! Do you like French toast? Yeah we like French toast! DODODODO can’t wait to get a mouthful!” Pixie sang out, apparently moving on from cereals to other breakfast foods.
“Scot…you know that, for some reason, I resist the urge to do evil and remain an X-man”, Emma said as Cyclops nodded.
“Of course. I mean apart from us keeping people in our basement illegally. And sending trained killers out to torture and murder. And all the people we’ve killed. Other than that we’re very heroic”, Cyclops said.
“Right. But if that pink haired eternally spazzing sodding BRAT doesn’t stop singing breakfast songs I am going to KILL YOU ALL”, Emma snapped.
“Hormones. SCIENCE tells me this. As a father to be she’s experiencing hormones. Or maybe sun spots. Possibly Xenu and the Thetans”, Beast said, licking himself while he did so.
Nightcrawler, who had only agreed to hitch a lift because he was getting tired of non-stop teleporting sex with his harem of fangirls obsessed by what he could do with his tail, was beginning to wish he’d just hidden in the basement like Northstar and Psylocke were doing at the moment.

Not just because Pixie seemed to be trying to test his love for all gods creations but because Magik kept cackling at him and asking him “Where’s you God now?” and he really could have done without what she’d said about his mother. She wasn’t even dead, how could she be in hell, let alone sucking ANYTHING down there?
“I really must talk to Peter about his sister. And practice mein Colonel Klink impressions”, Nightcrawler mused aloud, not realising he shared Beast’s lack of an internal monologue.
“Pass me that crucifix padre”, Magik commanded, while planning to sacrifice a hobo.
“Jawhol Mein Fraulein! Seig Heil!” Nightcrawler said, handing her the crucifix.
“Thanks”, Magik said, before proceeding to masturbate furiously with it as Nightcrawler looked on in horror.
“GOTT IN HIMMEL!” he screamed realising he should have expected another Exorcist reference at this point.
Cyclops craned his head around and, while momentarily distracted by the attractive blonde in skimpy armour pleasuring herself, remained mostly full of anger.
“If you kids don’t keep it down we’re turning this car RIGHT AROUND and they’ll be no paternity suits for ANYONE!” Cyclops snapped.
“Darling, calm down”, Emma cautioned as Cyclops turned round to stare at her.
“I’m three months in and it’s all because you wouldn’t wear a condom! I don’t want to calm down I…I want to calm up!” Cyclops yelled incoherently, apparently giving up on making even a small bit of sense.
“I hate it when mum and dad fight”, Pixie said, thinking that their problems could surely be solved with kittens and rainbows and ultra-violence.
It was at this point that what we will call “The team” for lack of a better term, spotted two people on the side of the road. One was a very sexy Goth girl who, for some reason, was menacingly posing with a baseball bat. The other could best be described as: Big. With a gas mask on for some reason.
“Should we pick up these random hitch hikers? I feel like being murdered right now”, Emma said bitterly.
“I don’t see why not”, Cyclops said, agreeing that the peace of death was tempting..
Bringing there car to a stop Cyclops opened the door of the improbably large car (Seriously, how many more are they going to fit in this thing!?) and motioned for the two to climb in.
“Hop on in. We will foolishly let you two strangers ride with us!” Cyclops said, without a trace of self mockery.
“Cool. You know that there’s a blonde in the back whose…fuck, what is she doing with that crucifix?” the girl asked.
“The lord of darkness waits! His child will usher in the death knell of man!” Magik shrieked.
“Hnnn. Same shit, different day”, the girl muttered as she clambered into the car, trying to avoid touching the pink haired girl who looked to be having a seizure.
“We’re headed to the Graceland Circus so we can drop you off on that route. Nowhere else though. We’re lazy like that”, Cyclops said, feeling like a jerk ass at the moment because it had been nearly an hour since he last got to sniff one of Jean’s old shirts.
“Actually we’re headed to the circus too. Work”, the girl said, with shifty eyes.
“So what are you two called? And can I lick you?” Pixie asked, feeling the strong urge to glomp someone or something as her sugar levels reached horrifying new highs.
“No. And I’m Cassie Hack. And this is Vlad”, the girl said.
“Mein Gott! Hellion vas right!! We ARE in a cross over!”, Nightcrawler declared in horror.
“Oh bloody hell. Do NOT do the to be continued caption!” Emma snapped, destroying the recently repaired fourth wall.

TO BE CONTINUED

What will happen now? What more improbable guest stars can show up and will they be pregnant? If so who will be the father? What will happen when Pixie has her tearful reunion with hero/samurai/performer/rapist Wolverine? Where will Miss Sinister’s journey take her? And how many hits will the vids of her X rated action get on Red Tube? And what shocking new discoveries will Beast make in the realm of SCIENCE?
I would tell you but that would spoil the surprise! So tune in next time as the X Men, the stars of Hack/Slash and perhaps the most ludicrous guest star of all appear in a story that we just HAD to call: Die Hard With A Death Wish On the End of Days Or if you Prefer: Armageddon!

By FeminineMystique.

A hilarious fanfic episode of the X-Men's lives created by FeminineMystique, a user on Comic Book Resources Forums. It's a classic! It's the first episode in a series entitled The Uncannily Astonishing X-Men.

Setting: X-Men

It was a bright, sunny day in San Francisco which was odd, as it was eleven at night. The fact that there had been 86 consecutive hours of sunshine had caused the residents some confusion, but used to being the hometown of a superhero group, they had become accustomed to this kind of thing by now.

The reason for this weather was located in the vast lair owned by that band of heroes often times outlawed and outcast and even more often described in cliché phrases: The X MEN! And one X man in particular (or perhaps that should be X Woman) held the secret of the sunshine.
Storm aka Ororo Munroe was hovering idly through the base, humming to herself and twirling aimlessly as Cyclops and Nightcrawler stared up at her. The two had to admit it, strange as it was to say out loud: their team mate had STOLEN THE SUN. Somehow.

“Storm, for gods sake! It’s perpetual night across the globe! What happened to your love of all things?” Cyclops asked, trying to reason with her.
“Zat vill not vork mein freund. She is out of her mind zince zer concert vith Pixie. She’s ODed on Pixie Dust and has become like zer nut zat makes vaste of human life!” Nightcrawler said in an accent that a deaf person might think was convincingly authentic.
“Storm! God, can’t we just give her some black coffee?” Cyclops asked as Storm flew past, electrocuting Colossus who had popped in for a cameo.
“With Pixie’s dust zere ist not enough coffee in zer world!” Nightcrawler said, dark memories of when he’d experimented with it in a seedy soho club, surrounded by manacled altar boys flashing through his head.
“I looovvveeee hurting people! I looovvveee beating people up!” Storm sang as she round house kicked Surge and gave Elixir a Peoples Elbow.
“THIS is why we don’t leave Dazzler and Pixie alone with anyone. Has anyone seen Northstar since the last concert?” Cyclops asked.
the resounding silence that followed this question didn’t fill him with confidence. Some days it just really didn’t pay to be a super hero. He was certain that Batman didn’t have to put up with crap like this on his day off.
“Alright, we’ll just have to let her work it out of her system”, Cyclops muttered as Storm began to flood the streets, while informing all and sundry that she was the “Dancing Queen”.
“But vat about zer people across zer vorld mein freund? Vat about zer suffering?” Nightcrawler asked in a token attempt to appeal to reason. Of course appealing to the reason of a superhero is much like going apple picking in a land beset by drought: a fruitless endeavour. (Yes! It’s an incredibly bad pun!)
“Are they mutants?” Cyclops asked as the two headed towards the bar set up in the underground base for emergencies.
“Vell no, I vould not think so”, Nightcrawler admitted, wondering idly if he was ever going to get a decent scene in the comics again.
“Well then. According to my current characterisation I don’t care. Now I must go and angst over my dead wife while sniffing her clothes and cutting myself”, Cyclops declared proudly.
Nightcrawler sighed. Things just hadn’t been the same, he decided, since they found out that Wolverine had, in addition to keeping a lock of Jean’s hair, also been keeping one of her severed arms and her head in his closet. After this he’d taken the sensible course of running away to join the circus, after kidnapping Armor who he had declared his on the road “Sidekick” the implications of which Nightcrawler didn’t like to think about.
“Und vere is Pixie now?” he asked, sounding much like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“You know where. Karma and Dazzler drew the short straw. They’ve taken her to that…thing”, Cyclops said darkly.

Setting: That Thing

Pixie was certain there was a point to her being at the Minimum Security Prison for the Insanely Criminal but she couldn’t remember what it was. She was too busy thinking about rainbows, bunnies, knives, kittens, puppies, knives, pixie dust, sparkles, knives and of course cosplay. The banner in the large grey prison room read “Scared Straight” and all around colourfully garbed supervillains were explaining to impressionable youth the perils of starting a career in supervillainy. Dazzler was idly wondering what she’d done to have Cyclops force her to drag Pixie to this thing while Karma was busy plotting a suitably murderous revenge on him.

Beside Pixie sat Hellion, Rockslide, Magik and Magma all of whom had been caught involved in minor acts of mutant delinquency: destroying vast swathes of public property, selling their soul to Mephisto or murdering. And Pixie was anxiously aware that she was probably the most wanted drug dealer in San Fran right now and was sitting inches away from several cops.
“Alright, listen up. You know why you’re here sweethearts? You’re here because you fucked up to many times!” Miss Sinister declared standing before the group and posing dramatically.
“Sure it’s all glitz and glitter at first. You get a costume, build yourself a death ray and try and blow up the universe. Next thing you know you’ve got a hundred spandex clad jack asses dog piling you while screaming out things like ‘Forsooth! Verily ye
will fall to Mighty Mljonir’ or ‘It’s Clobberin time’ and WHAM! You’re eating pavement”, she continued, making various dramatic gestures to underscore her point, whatever it was.

Pixie could honestly say she wasn’t really listening, being far to busy thinking about sparkly knives and cereal. Damn she needed cereal and fast. Her sweet cereal…the most amazing lover she’d had, apart for that one night when Wolverine had staggered into her room drunk, shoved a pair of wraparound pink sunglasses on her head and proceeded to rape her face while calling her “Jubilee”. Hellion was far too concerned with figuring out what angle he looked best from in the small pocket mirror he’d brought with him. he was certain there were security cameras in this room and he wasn’t going to let himself look anything less than his best.  Rockslide and Magma were uncomfortably aware that Magik was cackling to herself as she crafted small voodoo dolls in their image. Miss Sinister, aware that she was losing her audience, grabbed hold of Pixie and pulled her to her feet.

“Up! Get the fuck up! Sure, you think it’s funny now, right? Look at me. I’m sexy, I dress in skintight leather and latex, dazzling red eyes, pale smooth skin. Do you have ANY idea how many times I’ve been in a 'Drop the soap' situation?" Miss Sinister asked.

Pixie simply shrugged, not having actually heard the question as she was thinking of the meow mix song.

“A LOT”, Miss Sinister hissed angrily.
“I can vouch for that”, Dr. Light chirped up.
“Wait…how did he get here? Is this a crossover?” Hellion asked curiously.
The dead silence that followed did little to answer his question as everyone was too busy listening to the fourth wall cracking.
“Moving on…you may think you’re IT but let me tell you: it doesn’t matter how powerful you were on the outside, how many Infinity Quest Gem Gauntlets you got when a fat, sweaty guy is looming over your ass and telling you to bite down on your lip…” Miss Sinister ranted, as the group took a step back.
“I think this was a bad idea”, Dazzler muttered, as Pixie went back to idly thinking up names for winged kitties, unaware that she was being groped by three separate prisoners.
“You! Blondie! What’s your name?” Miss Sinister asked as Dazzler took a step back.
“Alis…” she began, not sure why Miss Sinister was picking on her when she was just the chaperone.
“You’re name is BITCH! And I own you! You’re property! And then when I’m tired of having sex with every hole god drilled in your slender frame…Dr. Light! You got a cigarette?” Miss Sinister asked.
Dr. Light stopped groping Pixie, who was mumbling frantically to herself that it wasn’t happening and she was at Disneyland, to saunter over to the group with the swagger of a club toting caveman. Handing Miss Sinister a cigarette (Who knows where he was keeping it, given his costumes lack of pockets) Miss Sinister tossed Dazzler over to him.
“There! I just sold you for a cigarette! And I don’t smoke!” Miss Sinister declared.
“Yes, we’ve all seen the Venture Brothers. Now just…AGH!” Dazzler began, before crying out as she was slapped hard across her firm ass cheeks.
“Lighten up disco-diva”, Dr. Light said, as Dazzler glowered at him.
“Alright Light, she’s seen the season one finale. We can stop doing the bit now”, Miss Sinister said, annoyed that her pop culture reference had been spotted so quickly.
“Bit?” Dr. Light asked in genuine confusion as he fondled Dazzler through the sheer material of her uniform.

Dazzler procceeded to deliver a patented disco twirl followed by a hard kick to a VERY sensitive portion of the anatomy.

“Well…that’s my super power gone for a while”, Dr. Light moaned, sinking to his knees.
“He needs a penis to use light powers?” Hellion asked, having only just caught up with what was going on after being distracted by his reflection in Miss Sinister’s shiny boots.
“Oh where have you been? Those were his OLD powers. His new power is RAPE”, Miss Sinister explained helpfully.
“So is this a crossover with DC comics then?” Hellion asked.
There was more deathly silence and the sound of shards of the fourth wall tinkling to the ground like broken glass.
“In any case, we’ll wrap things up with a word from our Scared Straight counsellor Luke Cage”, Miss Sinister said as the man himself, with a Fro of Legend entered the room.
“Treat yo mama right. Don’t do drugs. Stay in school. Quit that jibba jabba sucka. I pity the foo doing Pixie Dust at some concert. That’s bad for the kids!” Luke Cage declared before drinking a glass of milk and calling his travel agent to explain how he wasn’t getting on no plane.
“Wow! I learned something today. I’ll never again use my pixie dust to warp the minds of club goers! From now on I’m sticking to crystal Meth and cocaine!” Pixie declared.
“Better get the drug money out of the van then kid!” Dazzler said as the group burst into laughter and we freeze frame.
Miss Sinister stared in confusion at the group of people just standing stock still, with credits rolling in front of them. She was fairly certain whatever sanity she had once possessed had gone the way of Michael Barrymore’s career.
“Damn. I’ll have to use my fist tonight. I think one of them has actually vanished”, Dr. Light declared while nursing his injuries.
“Oh joy”, Miss Sinister muttered darkly.

Setting: With Beast

Beast quietly crept through the corridors of the X Club’s labs, looking around to make sure that there was no one around. After making sure that he was alone he removed the bag of Meow Mix from his pocket and poured it into a large bowl clearly marked “Pixie’s Cereal Bowl: Keep off Noob!”

“Ah…Meow Mix. My secret shame”, Beast said as he began batting a large ball of twine about.
There was the sound of a door hissing open and he promptly leapt into the shadows, hiding the bowl of kitty food as he did so. To his surprise the person entering the room was Madison Jeffries or, as Beast constantly called him, Talks to Machines Lad.
“Strange…what would he be doing here? I mean he’s a scientist, this is a lab…what possible reason could he have for appearing in this place?” Beast mused, thinking that he was just thinking to himself but actually saying this outloud. Fortunately Jeffries just assumed it was the voices in his head.
“Oh Sentient Coffee machine…no one can know of our forbidden love!” Jeffries said as he…began to strip!? Holy shit I’m the narrator and even I’m shocked!
“Oh my stars and garters! Is he…” the Beast muttered as, sure enough, Madison Jeffries began to do to the Sentient Coffee Machine what Clinton did to Miss Lewinsky.
“That’s it. First thing tomorrow I’m running away to star in PETA propaganda posters”, Beast sighed

Setting: With Cyclops (again!)

Cyclops was sure that he was being punished for something. What he couldn’t imagine but, after having to pry Storm off a ceiling fan where she was screaming about the puppy hobos trying to make her dance the lambada he was now seeing the surreal sight of Emma administering a spanking to Dazzler.
SMACK! SMACK!
“OWWW! OWWW! Oooo that hurts!” Dazzler whined petulantly as her legs kicked helplessly in the air, while Emma’s diamond hand came down repeatedly on her bare ass, delivering stinging slaps to it repeatedly.
“You know you deserve it! You traded Hellion for a pack of lucky strikes you sodding brat!” Emma snapped.
SMACK! SMACK!
“OOWWWWWW! AGH! Ohhh I promise to be good in the future! Please! OWWW!” Dazzler moaned in pain as several more slaps were delivered to her ass adding, adding to the burning pain building in her steadily reddening ass cheeks.
“Emma, why are you spanking a giant muffin? That’s madness”, Cyclops said as Emma glanced at him, arching an eyebrow (A difficult thing to do when made of diamond)
“Scot have you been getting into Pixie’s private stash?” Emma asked, noting that there was some odd pink powder around Cyclops’s nose
“Of course not talking waffle! What a cromulent accusation!” Cyclops declared, before marching off into a brick wall, knocking of his visor and blasting a hole clean through the ceiling.
“Oh bloody hell. How long does that stuff last?” Emma asked.
“Um…between one hour and…a year?” Dazzler replied worriedly
SPANK!
“AHHHHH! NOHOHOHO! I said I’m sorry! AH!” Dazzler whined and sobbed as Emma continued her super hard spanking of her ass, slapping the girl’s ass so hard it jiggled with each vicious impact as she moaned and struggled.
“Now count them. And repeat after me: I have been a bad girl White Queen. And you’re better than Jean Grey”, Emma commanded.
“Um, that last one doesn’t make sense”, Dazzler noted, making the serious mistake of trying to bring common sense into this fanfic.
“Do you WANT me to get the riding crop?” Emma asked menacingly.
SMACK!
“OWWW! One! : I have been a bad girl White Queen. And you’re better than Jean Grey!” Dazzler sobbed out, writhing in Emma’s lap as the pain began to give way to pleasure.
SMACK!
“Two! OWWWHOHOO! : I have been a bad girl White Queen. And you’re better than Jean Grey!” Dazzler sobbed.
Emma’s S&M fetish fan service scene was interrupted at this point as Beast bound into the room, looking for all the world as if he’d just seen the Blob naked, so horrified was his expression. Granted he seemed to perk up at the sight of Dazzler getting her ass painted crimson but even that didn’t fully dispel the look of fear.
“Emma! Scot…why is he on the floor? Never mind. I’ve learned something horrifying!” Beast declared.
“Go on darling. I’m listening”, Emma said, absent mindedly smacking the squealing, moaning Dazzler’s ass as she and the Beast spoke, crushing the girls hopes that perhaps Emma would stop while she and the Beast chatted.
“Talks to Machine Lad is having an affair…with the sentient coffee machine!”
All: GASP!
“Um…did we just go into script format for a minute there?” the still delusuional Cyclops asked, taking a mallet to the fourth wall.
“Now Beast…maybe he was just trying to clean out the coffee machine…with his penis”, Emma suggested, trying to cling to the hope that there lives weren’t quite as surreal as they seemed.
These hopes were dashed as Jeffries entered the room, his eyes wide and maniacal as he did so.
“No, it’s all true! I heard everything…and there’s more! The coffee machine is pregnant! And I’m the father!” Jeffries declared.
“Well…if we’re being honest…Emma, I’m pregnant. And Scot’s the father”, Dazzler added.
”DOUBLE SHOCK!” Emma screamed, temporarily reverting to “Dubbed anime character” mode at this startling plot twist.
It was at this point that Pixie descended from the ceiling, looking sheepish as she did so. Emma could see where this was going. It was like being on a plane you knew was about to crash really.
“I wasn’t going to say anything but…I’m pregnant. And Wolverine’s the father!” Pixie declared, before suddenly turning to glare at Beast.
“Did you touch my cereal bowl?” she asked menacingly.
“Well in the spirit of revelations Emma…I’m pregnant. And YOU’RE the father!” Cyclops said.
“Oh bloody hell. This is a cliff hanger isn’t it?” Emma asked.

TO BE CONTINUED

What will happen? Can there possibly be any more surprise pregnancies? How is it possible for Emma to be a father? No really HOW!? I typed it and I don’t understand it! Will even Wolverine’s claws be a match for a paternity suit? Why is this a cross over and what other characters will appear? And the biggest question of all: How much more fan service can we shoe horn in?!
For the pulse pounding answers to these questions face front true believer: for our next exciting episode entitled: The Silent Hill Has Eyes And is Alive With the Sound of Music! Be there!